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Are horror movie villains really so unbeatable?

Image by: humbert15

Horror movie villains may have the power to make us hide behind our hands, but they’re all smoke and mirrors really. Outside of the film world though, would they really be so tough? 

If you are ever in the unfortunate position of stumbling into one of these anti-social fiends, make sure you have memorised this handy little guide and you will prevail. So lock your doors, don’t answer the phone and do not – I repeat not – call out ‘Who’s there?!’ Here is the ultimate guide to surviving an encounter with the worst of the worst…

Michael Myers (Halloween)

So let’s get one thing clear about this knife-happy, silent lunatic: he never runs. Ever. Period. This fellow enjoys chasing babysitters at a leisurely pace – a brisk walk if you will. I don’t know whether he has cardio problems, or if it is just sheer arrogance, but MM never breaks a sweat with his stalking and slaying regime.Basically you must learn to run. And be really good at it. Don’t fall over. Don’t hide in a cupboard. Stay ahead of him at all costs. He may relentlessly follow, but this is where I suggest a quick trip abroad. Nowhere fancy. Can you imagine that mask wearing, knife-wielding thug making it through airport security? Didn’t think so. Game over Michael. Game over.

Samara (The Ring)

Evil little ghost girls are always tricky. But this one is considerate enough to give you a few days warning before she crawls her way out of your TV to kill you dead: “Seven days…” Thanks creepy!

There’s a lot you can do in seven days. Throw away all televisions within a five mile radius. Tape over the whiney lass’ killer videotape. Make a copy and show it to someone else thus cursing them and saving yourself. Simple, honest stuff really.

Of course, there’s always the cold, hard reality that no one really owns a VCR now anyway. Ghost girl either has to upgrade to DVDs or stew in her well in impotent rage.

Dracula - Movie villains

The King Daddy Vampire of movie villains himself

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Dracula (Oh come on!)

First of all, if you’re in a position of taking on the Count himself – well done you! He’s pretty much horror movie royalty – king daddy vampire. Nevertheless, do not get intimidated or star-struck. Stick to the basics: garlic, stakes, holy water, sunlight and crucifixes. Textbook stuff.

Dracs is a victim of his own success really. Everyone knows the key to his defeat. Just keep calm and avoid anyone who is in desperate need of a tan with no reflection. Dead giveaway.

Crawlers (The Descent) 

The first and most obvious tactic would be avoidance. Do you have to navigate the dark, dank depths of a unexplored cave system? Does it really sound like a good idea? If the possibility of flesh-eating Gollum-like monsters in the darkness isn’t enough to put you off then follow this simple advice. They really hate light. It comes with the cave-dweller package. Grab a few flares, light a torch or draw them into sunshine. Then just let nature handle the rest.

Simple observance has shown they’re not overly fond of sharp objects either – tool up!

Chucky (Child’s Play)

He’s a doll. A doll. Being possessed by the spirit of a serial killer cannot change the fact he is two feet tall. You can take him. Just be on guard around spectacularly creepy dolls as a surprise attack is all he’s got. Stomp on him. Shove him in the microwave. Job done. Don’t let him get you. That would be plain embarrassing.

Just keep these simple guidelines in mind and you cannot go wrong! Unless you meet one who’s not on the list. In that case…

Good luck!

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