Halloween is upon us again. Pumpkins are grinning. Ghosts are in the trees. Masked serial killers are breaking out of mental institutions everywhere. If films are to be believed, death-by-butcher’s-knife is imminent for almost all of us. Thankfully, there exists a training manual for avoiding this less-than-ideal fate. It’s the box set of the Halloween film series. I’ve sifted through its contents and sat through Busta Rhymes’ acting to bring you all the advice you need to save your skin come All Hallows’ Eve.
check there are no supernatural serial killers in your family
This is our most urgent piece of advice and it should be acted upon immediately after you finish reading this article. Conduct a detailed investigation of your family history to discover whether you have any relatives – no matter how distant and how alive or dead they might be – with a predilection for psychopathy and murder. If you have, they’re guaranteed to turn up on your doorstep this Halloween and you need to move house, change your name, or just do whatever you’ve got to do to get the hell out of dodge. If that’s not an option then get a bottle of scotch and a handgun, round up your closest three friends and lock the doors. It’s going to be a long night.
Make sure you can walk quickly
If you need to head outside for, say, a babysitting job or to search for your pet that’s suddenly gone missing, make sure you can walk fairly quickly for a decent amount of time. For girls, that means no heels, and for lads, no flip flops. It’s a well-known fact that supernatural serial killers don’t run, so you don’t need to either. In fact, running will just increase your chances of falling over, allowing them to appear out of nowhere and finish you off.
don’t have sex in secluded places
This may be tough. If there’s one main point I picked up from the Halloween box set it’s that, given the choice between sex and death by pitchfork, sex normally wins. Don’t fall for it! If you really must copulate with your date as a matter of extreme urgency, then don’t do it in a distant barn or shack down by the lake, do it somewhere with people nearby, where it’s brightly lit, and preferably in front of a mirror (the mirror will let you know if anyone’s trying to creep up behind you, see).
make sure you’ve got back-up lights
One of the favourite tricks of supernatural serial killers is to shut off the lights before making their grand entrance. It’s always emphatically timed as well, which sends prospective victims into crippling fits of hysteria. These idiots are beaten before it’s started, which is what makes them such easy meat. You’re not going the same way. Make sure you’re using an alternative power source to light your house. All night. When they try and cut off the electricity nothing will happen, making their whole plan look like an amateur shambles.
Don’t get too attached to your friends/parents
It’s a sad fact that most/all of your friends, as well as you parents and siblings, are going to have to die in order for you to live. Their untimely and horrific deaths are going to gift you a brief period of time in which to escape. You must take this opportunity without question. When you reach safety again you’ll realise that your parents died because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time, and your friends would have died from the countless STI’s they contracted before next Halloween anyway, and this was, in fact, a mercy killing. Then you’ll be able to move on.
For 20 years anyway. Then you’ll have to do it all again, but with LL Cool J in a co-starring role.
These five rules will make all the difference this Halloween so please keep them in mind, and if any six-foot-three trick-or-treaters come knocking, you’ll know what to do.